Everybody Loves Basil
by stephthewriter2
Summary: Basil Dawson buys a box of tissues to have his own say. (Parody of Everybody Loves Raymond, episode Tissues)


Everybody Loves Basil

 _ **R**_ uth Kitty, or Ruth Dawson, was in her kitchen with her mother-in-law Martha Judson, or Martha Dawson.

"Oh my God," said Martha. "You have ants here to Ruth."

"Yeah, I know Martha," said Ruth turning to Martha. "Your son keeps leaving food out. Basil, will you come here?"

"They seem to like your meat loaf dear."

Basil walked in the kitchen and asked, "What? What's up?"

"More ants," said Ruth, showing Basil a plate of food surrounded by ants. "Just so you know I'm calling the exterminator."

"Oh, no, I hate that guy with his chemicals," said Basil. "The counter tasted funny after he left last time."

"What are you doing licking the counter?"

"I saw something that looked like jelly."

"I'm going to try to get him here on Monday."

Basil pouted.

"In the meantime these ants could maybe lead you to other crumbs in the house," said Martha.

"Listen, why don't you round up the kids," Ruth told her husband. "I don't feel like getting any more food out so we'll take them for Marco's for dinner."

"Come on, don't make this into a whole thing," Basil again pouted.

"The kitchen is covered in ants."

"But you know the kids and restaurants. Come on. Look, it's late, they're tired. They're going to be fighting. Food's going to be everywhere. I say we eat in front of the TV like a regular family."

"So we can never take the kids to a restaurant?"

"We can go when they can drive us. How about we go to Marco's, huh? Just the two of us. Ma, can you take the kids to your house for dinner?"

"Sure, they could use a home-cooked meal," Martha replied, grinning.

Knowing what she meant, Ruth said, "It's okay Martha."

"No, come on," Basil went on. "It'll be fun, huh? Just be you and me."

Instead Ruth ignored him.

"Okay, come on kids, get your coats on," Ruth called out even though Basil tried to talk to her again. "We're going out to eat."

Their children, Olivia, Jaq, and Gus were sitting at the coffee table in the living room and stood up excited.

"Alright!" they shouted. "Yippee!"

Ruth grinned at the kids, looked to Basil, and asked, "You ready Basil?"

Basil was about to say more but instead hung his head and walked out of the room.

Ruth then looked to Martha and told her, "Bye, Martha. Don't bother to clean up. I'll get to it later."

She then walked out of the room.

"She'll get to it later," said Martha sarcastically with raised eyebrows. "Even the ants are laughing."

Basil, Ruth, and their children came back to the house but the kids were running around while Gus blew a whistle continuously. Basil held a tray that they got from the restaurant.

"Stop it!" Basil told them. "Stop!"

Still the kids kept going on.

"Hey, hey, hey," Ruth told the kids. "Your father said stop!"

The kids then ran upstairs.

"In five minutes, I'm coming up there and whoever's not in bed gets no candy until they're 30!"

Now everything was quiet that Ruth and Basil went to sit on the couch.

"Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any louder they find their whistles in the car," Basil pouted.

He looked to his wife.

"You've got some spaghetti in your hair."

Ruth reached up and wiped off the food.

"Oh, what a nightmare," said Basil, moping. "Almost can't think of a time when the kids behaved worse! Maybe that one time at the lake when Jaq tried to ride a goose. No. No. You know what? This was worse. Yep! A baaaad night. Well at least we got chocolate cake out of it. Oh, I love chocolate cake."

"You got something you want to say Basil?" Ruth asked, though she was tired.

"Hm? What's that now?"

Ruth sat up. "You got something to you want to say to me about going out tonight?"

"No, I don't think so." Ruth shook her head and stood up. "I pretty much said all I had to say before we went there."

Ruth faced Basil and asked, "What is your problem?"

"It's just that I had another plan for tonight and you rejected it and now, didn't you get what you wanted?" Basil took a bite of the cake.

"I hope you're enjoying that because that's going to be your last meal," said Ruth looking at Basil sternly.

"I'm not scared. Okay? What happened tonight caused me to have a revelation."

"Which was what?"

"That I'm always the one who has to back down around here. I constantly have to shut my mouth shut to keep the peace."

"Excuse me?"

Basil raised two fingers and ate another piece.

"This is unbelievable. You're going to act like a big baby because you didn't get your way tonight?"

"Try every night okay? I'm talking about 12 years of marriage now! You have to get your way on everything, all the time."

"That is not true!"

"Oh, it's not true?"

Basil stood up.

"How about the dog that I've always wanted? Hey, if you don't always get what you want, I guess we have one. Hey, Floppy, here boy!"

"Floppy?"

"That's right Floppy! You can't even let me name my imaginary dog!"

"So because we don't have a dog, you never get your way?"

"Look around! Everything in here is your decision. That lamp, that painting, The flower drapes over the sink. I hate those drapes. Look, they're one pattern, and the wall's a totally a different pattern. Seriously what were you thinking with those drapes?"

"I didn't hear a peep out of you when we were picking them out."

"Yeah, well maybe you need to listen better."

"I need to listen better? _I_ need to listen better?!"

"Yes, Yes! Because I did say something, I said, 'Really those drapes?' And what did you say? I believe you said…" Basil scoffed.

"Well, that's because 'Really those drapes?' doesn't help me! You don't want to be involved in the decision. You just want the right to complain."

"No! You just don't want my opinion! How about with the couch? I picked out that really cool one with the three pop-up footrest."

"That thing was atrocious!"

"It was perhaps the best couch ever!"

"So that's your idea of decision-making: a dog named Floppy and unlimited footrests?"

"Not a bad start."

They started to walk in the kitchen.

"I think you're forgetting that I already let you make decisions, Basil, and then you proceed to screw them up!"

"I don't recall that."

Basil put the tray in the fridge while Ruth raised her arms in disbelief.

"Last week, I sent you for a simple garden hose," she went on. "You came home with that tiny thing. It's totally useless!"

"What?" said Basil. "That's a good hose."

"It's two feet long! The water doesn't even reach the plants."

"You squirt it over there! Use your thumb, that's what people do!"

"Just so you know, that hose is going back."

They walked back in the living room.

Basil laughed and then pointed out, "That's it right there! That is how you get your way. 'Just so you know'!"

Ruth sighed.

"Yeah, 'Just so you know, Basil, we're getting the flower drapes. Just so you know, Basil, I ordered the boring couch without the footrests. And Basil, we're going to move in across the street from your parents, just so you know!' That's right! I remember saying 'No! No! In the name of all that is holy, no!' But look where we are! Nice work! Sorry I'm coming on a little strong but the truth has set me free!"

"So you just want to make more decisions, is that it?"

"That's all I'm saying."

"No."

Ruth walked to the stairs confusing Basil.

"You gave up the right to make decisions when you stopped taking any responsibility. You won't help me at all. You can't even wash a dish."

"Maybe I'd wash a dish if I didn't have to look at those repulsive curtains."

"Fine, you be that way. But until you start helping out, I'm making all the decisions. Good night."

Ruth walked to the stairs while Basil tried to stop her.

"You can't do that," he said. "We're married. It's a two-way street."

"No it's not," said Ruth going up the stairs.

"What do you mean 'No, it's not.'? Marriage is a two-way street. You can't make it a one-way street think of all the accidents you're causing."

Basil walked around the room.

"I'll make all the decisions I want. Maybe I'm deciding to sleep down here tonight."

"I already made that decision!" Ruth yelled back. "Just so you know."

In the morning Ruth came down the stairs and saw Basil lying on the couch with netting covering him.

"Hey," she said, going to him. "Morning."

"Huh?" Basil said, raising his head. "Oh, hey. What's up?"

He sat up.

"Is that the netting from our tent?"

"Yeah. It's keeping the ants away."

"It's detachable?"

"It came off."

Ruth sat on the arm of the couch and said, "Listen, I'm sorry about last night. You know, you brought something up."

Basil fought the netting off.

"And I shouldn't have dismissed you like that. I mean, you're right. Sometimes I do just disregard your opinion."

Basil fought the netting fiercely.

"Sometimes I might think, wrongly, that your decision making ability is suspect…"

The netting came off Basil that he shoved it away and sat comfortably.

"Are you okay there?"

"Yeah I'm alright," he said.

"Anyway, I apologize."

Ruth sat next to him.

"I'm sorry if I was a little jerky last night too. The curtains are not actually repulsive."

"But you have a point. Just because you name a dog Floppy doesn't you shouldn't get a say."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know what? We have a vacation coming up. Why don't you decide where to go?"

"I decide the vacation?"

"Yeah."

"The family vacation? That's big."

"I trust you. I do. I'm going to have to trust you."

Both of them smile.

Basil's father, David Dawson, and brother, Hiram Dawson, were in the living room while his wife was in the kitchen. Basil just came in with a grocery bag.

"I feel like dancing, gonna dance the night away," he sang.

Then he noticed Ruth smiling to him.

"Hey."

"Hey," Ruth greeted him. "What's all that?"

"You've got food in there, give it," David called out.

"I've got all these travel brochures for our vacation I'm planning," said Basil to Ruth.

"Wow," said Ruth, not intrigued.

"I know it's amazing. The world has a lot of places!"

Ruth noticed the bag. "What's all this?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no."

Basil took off his coat.

"You told me to get some milk at the store and I thought, 'cause I'm helping, that I would get some stuff that I wanted to get."

"Oh."

"Yeah, let me show you."

Basil took out two cans from the bag.

"This is for the ants. It's great. It's all natural. Made from some oil, you can spray it wherever you want."

Basil sprayed around the counters but Ruth told him off.

"No, no!" said Basil. "It's made from oranges or something. You squirt on a cracker, you got yourself a snack."

"I'm in!" David yelled out.

"So, I was thinking we could cancel the exterminator."

"If you want to go around," Ruth started, skeptically. "Spray every nook and cranny of this house…then yeah, we can cancel the exterminator."

"Ha, ha, I can do things. I'm a thing-doer!"

Martha came in the house.

"I made sandwiches," she called out.

"Enough chitchat Martha, sandwiches," David called out.

"Hey, Martha," said Ruth. "Basil went to the grocery store on his own."

"You went shopping on your own?" Martha asked her son.

"Not just groceries," said Basil. "Olivia needs a new notebook for school right? So here I am helping."

He took out a purple notebook impressing Martha and Ruth. Then Basil took out another thing.

"Look, I found these kits to make box kites. Two for $5. I thought Jaq and Gus would like them. Ratigan's kids had them at the playground but these are much bigger. Ha, Ratigan."

"These are great."

"Yeah."

Which nobody noticed, Hiram came in the room that he said, "Hey Mom, could you bring Dad his sandwiches? His stomach just made a noise I heard in the woods once."

"I'm sorry Hiram," said Martha, walking over and handing the tray to her son. "We were just watching Basil unload groceries."

"And nobody's videotaping?"

Martha shrugged him off.

"What else did you get?"

Basil took out a box of tissues and went on, "I found these great tissues on sale so I got 10 boxes. Not only were they on sale, there was an in-store coupon so it was like unbelievable."

"Tell us more about the tissues Basil," said Hiram, unimpressed.

"Okay, sure," said Basil to his brother. "You can make fun but we have a set for tissues!"

"So you saved some money," said Ruth.

Basil thought something was up.

"They're good. Come on, what else did you get?"

"Wait a minute, what's wrong with the tissues?"

"Nothing."

"No, something."

"Nothing. It's just I wouldn't have gotten those kind 'cause they don't go with the bathroom, but it doesn't matter."

Hiram laughed and said, "She hates the tissues."

"No, they're totally fine. What else is in here?"

"Hold on," said Basil taking a box, "Ma, what do you think of these?"

"I don't buy this kind," said Martha. "But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. However, I would say that accents like tissues are one of the most crucial decisions in the look and character of a household."

"You do realize people use them to blow their nose."

"Yes but before they blow their nose the right tissue box invites them to do so."

"Yeah, well, I think these are inviting."

"While you are alone," Hiram mocked.

"Shut up," said Basil to Hiram. He looked to his wife. "They're good, right?"

"They're great," said Ruth.

"You do hate them do you?"

"Basil, look it doesn't matter. I'll just get my kind the next time I go to the store."

"No, wait, I made this decision and we're sticking with this."

Ruth was about to say something but Basil interrupted her. "I'm not going to back down here."

"Now we got a show!" said Hiram happily, since he likes to watch his brother being bullied. He sat down and watched, grinning.

"I just think your bathroom needs as much help as it can get!" Martha pointed out.

"No," said Basil stubbornly. "It's not about Ruth's lousy housekeeping, okay?"

Ruth backed away offended.

"It's about me. It's about me finally getting some say."

"Basil, why are you being so stubborn?"

"Well, let's not forget you never let me make any decisions either. I was 15, you were still picking out my clothes."

"There's nothing with my putting together your special outfits."

"Ma, let me tell you something. When people see you're wearing an outfit, all they want to do is hit you in it."

"You just give me the names of those kids - -"

"I'm all grown up now Ma!"

"And look how you dress."

"I still can't make my own decisions. You never let me," he pointed to Martha. "And you never let me."

He pointed to Ruth.

"You're both the same."

"Hey!" yelled Martha and Ruth.

David walked into the room and said angrily, "Game's all over, still no sandwiches."

Hiram raised a sandwich that David noticed. He took it.

"Hey those tissues stink," said David.

"What?" said Basil outraged.

"Yeah, they've got the lotion on them. They're all greasy. You pull one out to blow your nose on it, you think you did it already."

Hiram found the idea disgusting but Basil, Ruth, and Martha shook their heads.

"Yeah, knowing you Dad you probably did," said Basil.

"Seriously, that is a disaster of a product," said David.

"These tissues are fine Dad! They're fine! Alright?"

"Basil if I may," said Hiram, standing up. "You ever wonder why these tissues were on sale? The bad color, the disgusting texture, the fact that they're only 100-count when a typical box of tissues holds 160? Hmmm? You got ripped off, my brother. Nobody wanted these things. Nobody but poor old Mr. Bumblepuss. That's you!"

"All right everybody out!" Basil yelled to everybody. "Get out!"

"Basil," said Martha surprised. "I don't understand why you're acting like this."

"Yeah, we didn't buy the stupid tissues," said David, taking the dish.

The Dawsons walk to the door. Martha already went out.

"This is ridiculous!" said Basil, outraged. "I get one thing I want everybody's got to jump all over me."

"Get something better next time," said Hiram.

"Get out!"

Hiram walked away.

"I'll tell you one thing, I've blown my nose for the last time in this house," said David.

"Oh boy, there goes our Saturday night!"

Basil closed the door after David walked out. He went to Ruth and took out a tissue.

"Try this tissue," he told her.

"Basil, I don't want to argue with this," she said.

"Good, good, Now you agree we're keeping the tissues."

"Fine we'll keep the damn tissues."

"Don't call them damn tissues. We're going to display them proudly. They're going to be the official tissues of the house!"

"That's great, whatever you want."

Basil picked up the bag and put it in the sink.

"Listen, I've got pick up the kids in a few minutes. Oh, and we're supposed to have dinner at your parents' house if they'll have us over after your little freak out."

"No. No I'm not eating with those downers."

Ruth walked away.

"And I'll decide what to eat whatever the hell I want. Just so you know! I happen to be a very good cook."

Basil went to a cabinet, took out a can, opened it, put it in a pot, and turned on the stove. Just then the phone rang.

"Hey, Fidget," he said talking through the phone. "No, Ruth's going all nutty here but what else is new. Yeah, I can golf tomorrow. Yeah. It's not going to snow. It's going to be 40 degrees. What are you talking about? It's not going to snow."

Basil walked outside and looked up to the sky.

"No, it's going to be fine."

Meanwhile a fire was starting at the stove.

"Red sky at night sailor's delight. 'Shaking with fright'? Who told you that?' Well your mother's stupid man. Yeah. Hey, you ever try those tissues with the lotion in them? Yeah, they're good. They are! Yes, they are!"

The fire started to spread around the counter.

"No, you suck! All right. I'll be there, you be there. Bye."

Basil walked back in the kitchen and noticed the fire. It was now at the sink and onto the bag. He stood there in shock at first then yelled, "My tissues!"

At first he hesitated but then only threw a soda can. Then he ran out of the house and grabbed a short hose. It wasn't long enough but he turned it on even though the water was not hitting the fire. Basil tried to readjust the sprinkler but still it wasn't long enough. The fire was ablaze.

"Basil, what the - -" said Ruth coming in the room.

"Fire!" he roared, spraying Ruth with the water. "Fire! There's a fire!"

Ruth ran into the kitchen and noticed the fire. "Oh my God!"

"Get out of the way!" yelled Basil.

Ruth ran to a counter and took out the fire extinguisher. Then she started to smoke off the fire. She had to do it again onto the burnt bag. The fire was then out. She then knew that Basil has sprayed at that area before that she pursed her lips. Ruth slowly walked into the living room and faced Basil.

Basil still had the hose on but slowly he turned it off. He then looked to her angrily and said, "Well it took care of the ants."

Ruth and Basil were in the kitchen with a contractor, Bartholomew.

"Most of this is cosmetic so it won't take long for you to get back in shape," said he.

"Oh, good," said Ruth.

"Yeah, that's great," Basil agreed.

"I've got some wallpaper choices in my truck," said Bartholomew. "And here's some possibilities for drapes."

He handed Ruth a large folder.

"Oh, great, thanks," said Ruth to him.

Bartholomew walked out of the room and to the yard. Ruth was flipping through the pages looking. Basil shoved the chair closer to her and was about to look at it with her but Ruth looked to him sternly. Basil looked back to her then he shoved the chair away, back to where it was. Ruth continued to look through the folder.


End file.
